Baby turns toddler

I admit it has been a while since my last posting, which can say something about how much motherhood has changed for me. While it's just as wonderful as it ever has been, time consumption with a 14 year old has sped up significantly, leading to a challenging balance of life, work, motherhood, and time for myself. How do mothers do it all? It's a question I constantly drive to find the answer for, and still continue to reach.

Lately, Miles has become a screamer in public, an expert at crawling on his hands and knees quicker than (sometimes) I can keep up with, a vocabulary-seeker, and thankfully still, a napper. His ability to seek attention when I'm on the phone by speaking a pitiful "mama" still melts my heart, and just when my exhaustion tests my patience, he cuddles up to my chest for a split moment so I don't go over the edge :) In a nutshell, motherhood is the secret to much of my self development and humor in my life.

Life changes for me like never before with an active toddler, and I suppose only a fellow mother can truly understand it. My son's teeth have come in and he is beginning to look more like a boy then a baby. Where has the time gone and how do I make it stop? I suppose there isn't an invention for babies that grow so quickly in front of their mother's eyes but with each day that brings new adventures between my toddler and I, I wish there was. Time moves quickly with he and I, and each day I am reminded that I must continue to live in the moment with him, with motherhood, with myself.

The Process of Learning

My baby thoroughly enjoys being.... a baby. He gives me a big grin each and every morning when he wakes up, as if to say, "Hello world! What do you have for me to play with today?!" He 'gets' over a grudge within sixty to ninety seconds and loves the new flavors and tastes of baby food by often throwing his hands up and onto my new shirt. Just purchased, of course.

He loves being a baby, but if I think about it, I suppose all babies are like this. What's not to love about being a baby, or more to the point, what's to fear about the world, what's to harbor resentment towards, whats to feel jelous or defeated about when you're under a foot tall and only know comfort, the word "dada" or "mama" and you're schedule is sleep, eat, poop, sleep? That's right. Nothing to fear and everything to love.

Recently, I have made a new promise to myself. As a woman, wife, and mother whose do-list seems to get longer and longer, I have forgotton some things, like taking time to enjoy, relish, delight in life's little pleasures and quirks. So, I pledge to learn from my wise little son who has already figured out so many things. Teach me, I think to myself as I watch him smile first thing in the morning, as I watch him discover tastes and textures with delight, as I watch him sleep peacefully without the worry of what tomorrow will bring.

Teach me, I think. My new role is learning from him all of the things I knew at one point, lost along the way and will re-learn as the great circle of life goes. Again and again.

Separation Anxiety

One thing my baby boy is teaching me? That life-- and he in it-- is unpredictable.

A month ago, we finally mastered the art to him sleeping through the night, or I should say, he mastered it with our help - but I was a foolish mother to think all our problems were solved. Quickly, the teething came, and now my newest challenge of the week: his newfound seperation anxiety.

Life is truly never dull.

At eight months, he's formed a trust with me - and we together have a bond. I don't blame him for crying when I leave his immediate sight. Sometimes as I go through my day I can feel a similar sense of urgency to know what and how my day is going to go, who will be in it, when my husband is coming home, when I'll be able to see my mom again. I suppose the difference between my son and I is... it's no longer acceptable by most people's standards for me to cry about it. If only we as mom's were given that break to let it all go, to cry when we need to, to be held when we need it.

Some of us stop caring about whats acceptable and throw a fit when we need someone to take care of us, simply because it catches us with us: the constant giving to our family and often lacking anytime left for ourselves. Our husbands patiently hold us and tell us tomorrow will be better, a tomorrow that will rejuvinate us and propel us into action, and always does.

While it's 'always something', and it's not always easy, it makes life one hell of a ride and worth it for all the bumps and ups and downs along the way.

I must, I must.

It's been a while, I know. What can I say? Being a new mother (and yes, I still consider myself a newbie although some will say that once your baby passes the four month mark, you are no longer an amateur at this) still makes me dizzy, still fills my mind up with questions I long the answers for, and I still at times doubt my comptency at being the best mother I can be for my son.

I am challenged by the balance act. How do I balance all the aspects of motherhood while keeping my sanity?

Most days, I accomplish two out of three. On Monday, I excelled at being an attentive and loving wife and mother, then went to work in the evening but by bedtime, I drifted to sleep feeling emotionally depleted. On Tuesday, I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for my family with skill and creativity, did the laundry and mopped the floors, and even found time to write in my journal. Unfortunatly, I failed to give me son a bath. Not on purpose of course, but the act escaped me.

Encorporating all that goes into each day in my NEW life as a mother, I am still left dumbfounded and mesmerized by the many details and tasks I must complete. I must do the laundry. I must make his baby food myself and use eco-friendly diapers. I must run two miles a day to lose that baby weight. I must, I must.

We women are great at giving ourselves impossible expectations.

Here's what I"m starting to wonder. Maybe instead of the impossible 'musts', maybe we need to start a new one. 'I must' ask my husband for help on the days I'm worn out. 'I must' give myself a break here and there. 'I must' take me as I am because if the laundry sits in the hamper for an extra day or two or we order takeout because I'm too tired to cook a meal, that's ok.

'I must' do it all? No. It can wait.

The New Superhero

After we give birth, and create an entire life from deep inside us, I have to wonder: if nothing else, aren't we as mothers the new superhero? We may not wear capes or fly from atop skyscrapers, but we do have a special power unlike any other.

For a period of time, our bodies are not our own. Our hormones surge, we crave pickles and chocolate and sardines. Our stomachs grow, our feet swell and we wonder how much longer it will take for our baby to arrive.

The day comes with a long labor of pushing, sweating and swearing, and we meet our child that we created and begin to cry. We feel him in our arms, and say hello.

We love him more than we previously thought was humanly possible.

We come full circle as women. We wake up several times a night and at three in the morning can still smile at our baby's smile, we worry that he'll be taken care 'the right way' in our absence, and we pinch his cheeks when we swore we'd never be that kind of mother. We can't help ourselves. We do it all for the purpose of another life, and still find time to be wives, girlfriends, and professional chefs, writers, executives, journalists, PR reps. We work harder and with less sleep, and wondered why we ever needed sleep before.

Then we remember. Superheros don't need sleep.

The List, Part 1.

As a new mother, these are the things I know for sure.

There comes a point when you're so sleep deprived, it turns into a battle of the wills. It begins to feel like a state of mind, so to turn your day into one where you're awake, aware and ready to face the challenges that come into play, turn your mind around and do what you need to: have that cup of coffee in the afternoon, jog half a mile to boost up the endorphins, have a cat nap when your baby goes down.

I know more about poop than I ever anticipated to. Sadly, it's true. I have experienced poop (and streams of pee) on my arm, neck, elbow. I have wiped poop off of the baby room walls and sighed deeply. I have wondered if this intimate of a relationship with poop is healthy. That I don't know, but for my life and his - it's necessary.

Life is meant to be lived in the moment. Whether I am dodging my son's 'fountain of pee', washing his clothes yet again (!), and feeling his neck nuzzle in the crevese of mine, life with him is meant to be lived in the moment. No past, no future. Just today, and all the joys it brings me.

Be on the lookout for future additions to this list. I have a feeling as I go on this journey of motherhood, my knowlege and experience of life will grow too.

Sleep Deprivation

Just when I think I can't be any more sleep deprived, my son keeps up for a longer time frame in the night, and I wake up with my hair tossled and think: NOW I know sleep deprivation! Just when I think I can't exist on any LESS sleep than I've been getting, I prove myself wrong.

It also makes me think why I ever needed sleep before I became a mom.

As soon as we wake up for the day -- or should I say --- as soon as Miles tells me it's time to wake up for the day -- I put on a big pot of coffee, and no I don't feel guilty about what my daily coffee intake is doing to me. Any mom knows that coffee is a survival mechanism and so is an occassional red velvet cupcake after lunch to keep you happy and doing just a little something for yourself.

I've learned many things about my son so far, and one of them being that just when he's ready for his morning nap, my coffee has kicked in. Sigh. So I do something for myself. I read. I write. I do cardio in my living room and just when I'v exhausted all of my energy, my son lets me sleep for 45 minutes. Just the perfect cat nap, and the next day we do it all over again.

Most of all, I've learned that motherhood is not for the weak.